1 Year....

It's been one year since you left us Papa.
I miss your stories.
I know Nanny misses you.
I'm strong for her.
but I miss you too.
I want more time with you.
I wish I could get just one more of your awesome hugs.


I love you.
XOXO

Daycare Problems....

#37: You take off your shirt and a Goldfish cracker falls out and you know who probably put it there....
:)

Well My Emotions Are In Tact....

I still feel guilty but there's nothing I can do about it so I choose to let it go for the moment.


My body, however, is not so forgiving.
My intestines are alright it's my ankles, knees, pelvis, ribs, elbows, finger joints, back, neck and head that are throbbing.
I think the physical manifestations of the last three or so weeks of emotional bombardment are becoming apparent. Oh well, what can you do.
Just keep swimming!
;)

Guilt....

It was only a week ago that I said goodbye to you. Today I miss you. And I feel guilt.

I feel guilty for not thinking about you every minute of everyday.
I feel guilty that I didn't see you in February.
I feel guilty that somehow in my mind this helped in your downfall.
I feel guilty that I can't remember the last time I spoke to you face to face.
I feel guilty that my mother has her two beautiful daughters and your mom will never get to talk to hers in this world again.
I feel guilty for being here without you.
I feel guilty for not seeing the warning signs.
I feel guilty for not seeing a particular Facebook post sooner.
I feel guilty that I have support and you were and are so alone.
I feel guilty that my childhood was so innocent.
I feel guilty about so many things.
Too many to list here.

I know you don't want me to feel like this. But the fact is I do.
Please help me to see that my life can go on.
Please help me let this go.
I love you.
But I still feel guilty.
And I'm not sure I'll ever stop.

Until We Meet Again....

....dear Entocort. Tonight I took the last one of you you very expensive but totally worth it for enhancing my mood and taming my Crohnsie Bit drug.

Until we meet again.
(but not too soon OK?) :)

Acceptance....

Aly is gone.
She is suffering no more.
Her hurt is all gone.
She is no longer in fear.
She is now without pain.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

I get it now.
I can be in peace.
I will never be peaceful.
But I now know you are.

How long will it be before the guilt melts away?
How much time will it be until your memory in my mind fades?
How long until you come back to us?
Never.
The answer to all above is never.

Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for making me laugh until I peed my pants.
Thank you for helping me through my first truly scary movie.
Thank you for being my only friend in French Class.
Thank you for teaching me that gummy frogs are not just for eating.
Thank you for teaching me that life doesn't have to be so serious.
Thank you for teaching me that two kids from different sides of the tracks can become so close.
Thank you for too many memories to write down.
Thank you for accepting me.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you, Aly.
I love you.

And always will....

Stage 3: Bargaining....

I don't want to do it.
I would give anything not to have to.
But the reality is,

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my best friend.

Tomorrow has been weighing on my mind all week. Through picking and laying new carpet in my living room to buying and setting up my new couch and chairs. It was all leading up to this. There's only so long you can keep your mind busy and off a topic until its tomorrow and you dig in your heels in avoidance of the inevitable.

How do you say goodbye? How do you even wrap your mind around something like that? And what to wear? I have tried on everything in my closet and nothing seems right. Aly was not a "black for funeral" kind of girl and I will not be at hers. I want to be respectful but a rebel at the same time. That is a very hard thing to accomplish. Stay tuned for that....

You may ask why I am blabbering on about fashion when I have bigger things to worry about but the fact is that these are the things going through my head and this is my forum to let them out.

I may also be procrastinating going to bed. I know my dreams will not be pleasant tonight.




Please God. Don't make me say goodbye.
Don't make me put on a brave face for all of her loved ones.
Don't make me stand there with my friends and tell stories about how funny, lovable and goofy Aly was.
Please God, I'll do anything.
Just bring her back to me....

Step 2: Anger and Guilt....

I've been trying to fight off this post for three days now on account of I don't think I have the right to post or even think these things.
But if I don't let them go I'll never move forward in the process. Here I go....

Who in the hell do you think you are Aly? Ending your own life when so many are suffering through far harder lives, in a lot more pain, even more physical pain than you. It's selfish. It's mean. It's abandoning me here. You were never like that, why did you have to be in death. You have tainted all of our good memories together with the stigma of suicide. I can't believe you would do this in the way you did. And to not call me for help it enrages me. I hate you for doing this to me. No note. No e-mail. No goodbye. And now you're gone. And I hate you for depriving me of my best friend....


I'm sorry for that. But now that it's out and I have a face full of tears I feel better. Maybe it's the solu-Cortef from the Remicade that I got today playing with my emotions that drove me here or maybe it was just time.

I feel better.
I feel worse.
And I feel guilt....

Worried I Am Forgetting....

I only thought about you a few times today Bubba. I know I have company. And I know I'm busy. But I'm scared.

I never want to forget....