....I look better!?!? After all of that? A three day stay in the hospital, all of those tests, a colonoscopy and all of that pain and I'm b-b-b-better!?!? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I WANT something to be wrong with me but I most definitely want an answer for my pain! To Be Continued....
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As for my colonoscopy, what a sinch! I've said it before and I'll say it again the prep is the worst part. Having your innards come blasting through your rear-end with the force of a potato being shot through a spud canon is not my ideal morning constitutional(or in this case morning and/or afternoon and/or middle of the night constitutional....)
Step 1: Ducolax aka "Oh God make the pain STOP!!!!". The worst part for me is the two Ducolax pills you have to take before bed that are supposed to give you 12 hours before "anything happens". I am lucky if I get 3 hours. I learned my lesson last time. I learned that I can only handle 1 pill, not 2. If I take 2 the pain is almost enough to make me want to curl up and die but 1 is actually pretty manageable. My mom thinks I could have got away with none of these but I did not want to move onto Step 2 without this step. You'll see why in une minute....
Step 2: Pico-Salax aka "the night you will pee from your butt". If you've never had this stuff then you are obviously oblivious to it's powers. Your mid-section will make noises you previously thought only a garberator eating a fork then a spoon for dessert could make. It's a good thing you are only allowed liquids for the whole day before. I think my final count was 37 freezies, 2 cups of chicken broth, 4 Powerades and 2 bottles of water all in a 24 hour period. My advice, this is the "stay close to the bathroom because you only have 15 seconds to get there" stage....
Step 3: The morning of aka "the easy but man am I hungry" step. Take some more Pico-Salax when you first wake up. Drink until two hours before your appointment. Go to the office. Wait while you watch all of the food commercials go by on the waiting room television. Get called in. Take all necessary measurements. Get changed into hospital gown. Talk to Anesthesiologist. Get IV. Roll into Operating Theatre. Have a whiff of oxygen. Get some happy drugs. Get the GOOD drugs. Listen to Alanis Morrisette as you drift away. Wake up. Think "When are they going to do this already?". Realize that they are done. Fart a lot. Have some juice. Fart some more. Remove IV. Get dressed. Fart again. Go home. Have another nap. Fart just a few more times for good measure.... <- By far the easiest part... ;D
