It's strange. When you first left I feel like I was put through the full gamut of emotions. I was in shock, angry, guilt ridden, annoyed, and somehow relieved. All of the emotions one would expect to experience in such a situation. I think I cried more between the dates of June 25th and July 7th 2012 than I have in the entirety of my life. My heart had also never felt so broken and so joyous either. Knowing that you were in another place, a happier place saddened me and made me smile at the same time. All of the heartache you had to endure still weighs heavily on me to this day. I feel like I could have done more. I feel like I could have helped you. But mostly I just feel like I wasn't a good enough friend to you.
Now I realize that if you were here you would stare at me with that blank look on your face, maybe scrunch up your nose in that funny little way that indicated that that was the most absurd statement I could ever come up with at that present moment. But it's true. And even a year of mixed and mangled emotions can't ever change it.
It's strange. I feel like the tears I want to cry while writing this aren't coming but like they are superficial tears that are preventing the real ones from coming. Maybe it's my subconscious knowing that that would mean a sleepless night and I have a lot to do tomorrow.
School is so hard Bubba. I wish you were here to talk to. Family is family but I miss the way that you could spin everything into a way that made me understand and appreciate. I know you would volunteer to come into my classroom to be a ginny pig for my awesome phlebotomy skills (even if you did hate needles).
I have been trying to push off this post all day. I didn't know how I was going to start or end it. I was hoping that I would forget, be too busy, what have you but nevertheless here I am an hour later still writing. So this is how I will end my one year later post.
With a song and an elephant. Given to me by my friend's mother on the one year anniversary of her death.
I love you Aly Bubba.
And I'll never stop, or forget.
