Thursday, June 28, 2012

Step 1: Denial.

MY.
BEST.
FRIEND.
IS.
DEAD.

Nope doesn't compute.
I can physically say or type the words but when I'm trying to understand what they mean it's like my mind is trying to understand mandarin.
I keep thinking I can call her up and say, "Hey! Did you hear what so and so did?"
But I can't.
She is so and so.
I've been googling the five stages of grief for the last 48 hours and I feel like I'm jumping all around minute to minute, second to second depending on what memory pops into my head.
Denial one minute, anger the next, depression the next and when I've finally thought I've hit acceptance I get so enraged again that I'm back at anger.
No matter how I feel though I feel like I am stuck in denial.
Denial that I'll never speak to her again.
Denial that her mother came to my house on a Monday night to tell me such a horrifying tale.
Denial about her being gone.
I deny it all even if I don't want to.
I know that it is my own coping mechanism but please God for Aly's sake, just let me accept it. I know that's what she wanted me to do.
I have no doubt in my mind.
Denial.