Stage 3: Bargaining....

I don't want to do it.
I would give anything not to have to.
But the reality is,

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my best friend.

Tomorrow has been weighing on my mind all week. Through picking and laying new carpet in my living room to buying and setting up my new couch and chairs. It was all leading up to this. There's only so long you can keep your mind busy and off a topic until its tomorrow and you dig in your heels in avoidance of the inevitable.

How do you say goodbye? How do you even wrap your mind around something like that? And what to wear? I have tried on everything in my closet and nothing seems right. Aly was not a "black for funeral" kind of girl and I will not be at hers. I want to be respectful but a rebel at the same time. That is a very hard thing to accomplish. Stay tuned for that....

You may ask why I am blabbering on about fashion when I have bigger things to worry about but the fact is that these are the things going through my head and this is my forum to let them out.

I may also be procrastinating going to bed. I know my dreams will not be pleasant tonight.




Please God. Don't make me say goodbye.
Don't make me put on a brave face for all of her loved ones.
Don't make me stand there with my friends and tell stories about how funny, lovable and goofy Aly was.
Please God, I'll do anything.
Just bring her back to me....

Step 2: Anger and Guilt....

I've been trying to fight off this post for three days now on account of I don't think I have the right to post or even think these things.
But if I don't let them go I'll never move forward in the process. Here I go....

Who in the hell do you think you are Aly? Ending your own life when so many are suffering through far harder lives, in a lot more pain, even more physical pain than you. It's selfish. It's mean. It's abandoning me here. You were never like that, why did you have to be in death. You have tainted all of our good memories together with the stigma of suicide. I can't believe you would do this in the way you did. And to not call me for help it enrages me. I hate you for doing this to me. No note. No e-mail. No goodbye. And now you're gone. And I hate you for depriving me of my best friend....


I'm sorry for that. But now that it's out and I have a face full of tears I feel better. Maybe it's the solu-Cortef from the Remicade that I got today playing with my emotions that drove me here or maybe it was just time.

I feel better.
I feel worse.
And I feel guilt....

Worried I Am Forgetting....

I only thought about you a few times today Bubba. I know I have company. And I know I'm busy. But I'm scared.

I never want to forget....

Still....

Still in denial.
Still missing you.
Still here.
And still you're not.

Still hoping it's a dream.
Still can't grasp it.
Still want you back.
But still not comprehending.

I.
Am.
Still.
Numb....

Denial: Day Two On this Strange Planet....

Today a little girl at my daycare gave me a card that has The Serenity Prayer writen on the inside of it. It goes thusly....

....and do you know what the first thing I said after reading this was?

" Oh L**! What a beautiful card! Is that your handprint on the front? You're an awesome artist!"

Don't get me wrong but shouldn't I have said something along the lines of,

"Thank you so much L**. I now know what you went through in December. Thank you for your condolences." (Her dad having committed suicide in December of last year.)

It's like I can read and understand the words that are written but anytime I try to apply them to my situation my mind shuts down and I'm reading Klingon.

I've read online that it is a defence mechanism. So that our bodies are not so overcome with shock that they shut down. It's like everything is fact with no personal attachment. Anytime you think of a memory or are reminded of the person and start to feel sad or guilty or like you might break into tears a zombie version of you takes over and it's like it happened to your sister's friend's cousin's brother's former roommate.

This scares me.

I don't want to feel like this, not even for a day(although it's already going on two). I want to remember her. I want to feel. I want to grieve. I want to understand.

But I can't.

Not now.

Eventually in time I know I will.

Just one more thing.

I haven't cried in 48 hours.

And that scares me even more....

Step 1: Denial.

MY.
BEST.
FRIEND.
IS.
DEAD.

Nope doesn't compute.
I can physically say or type the words but when I'm trying to understand what they mean it's like my mind is trying to understand mandarin.
I keep thinking I can call her up and say, "Hey! Did you hear what so and so did?"
But I can't.
She is so and so.
I've been googling the five stages of grief for the last 48 hours and I feel like I'm jumping all around minute to minute, second to second depending on what memory pops into my head.
Denial one minute, anger the next, depression the next and when I've finally thought I've hit acceptance I get so enraged again that I'm back at anger.
No matter how I feel though I feel like I am stuck in denial.
Denial that I'll never speak to her again.
Denial that her mother came to my house on a Monday night to tell me such a horrifying tale.
Denial about her being gone.
I deny it all even if I don't want to.
I know that it is my own coping mechanism but please God for Aly's sake, just let me accept it. I know that's what she wanted me to do.
I have no doubt in my mind.
Denial.

The Mockingjay Method....

My name is Kylee.
I live in Canada.
I do daycare for a living.
I've had a best friend since Grade 9.
Her name is Aly.
On Friday she killed herself.
I was told this on Monday night.
I knew it was coming.
I feel guilty for not seeing her in February.
I am mad that she would do this to me in the way that she did.
I'm happy that I have friends that knew her the way that I did.
I like the support we give to each other.
I'm thankful for the memories that keep popping into my head.
I long for the ones I'm having trouble remembering.
I hate that I have to go through this.
I hate that her mother has to bury her only child more.
I am envious at the people who didn't know her.
I mourn for the ones who did.
I love that the last thing I said to her was "cookies".
I loathe that it was on Facebook and not in person.
I want the chance to say goodbye to her.
I will never get that chance.
I'm proud of the fact I got through this without crying.
I worry I am becoming numb.

Goodbye My Bubba....

I love you. I will never forget you. Thank you for being my friend. I will miss you.

I love you. :'(

Pox, Infection and Disease....

This week was not a great week in the world of epidemic and daycare. In no less than five days I have been exposed to Strep Throat, Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, unexplained fever and (worst of all) Chicken Pox.NEVER in my whole daycare experience have I been so berated by illness!
The weather is getting nicer! Why is illness so rampart right now? 40 degrees(Celsius)!

How are those little buggers still alive??????

Now the unexplained fever can be explained by teeth popping through or a cold drink of water but Chicken Pox?! Wasn't that eradicated sometime in the '90s, I believe it was sometime in 1993 right after I had it at the tender age of three....

I've had Hand Foot and Mouth (at the same time as Head Lice when I was twelve, it was horrid) but thanks to Remicade that is back on the table since my immunities have been cast out into great wide nothingness.

And, well, I catch Strep like it's going out of style so I pretty much don't have a hope in hell on that one. Thankfully they caught it on the weekend and he was out sick until Wednesday and had three days of antibiotics in him before returning. I'm praying that that is enough....

Anywho.... I always say "anyway" so I thought I'd mix it up today.



Happy Friday!

How me and the healthy kids rock a 35+ degree weather day!

I Recant Last Night's Post....

If you have a mosquito bite on the back if your heel you SHOULD scratch it because....
If you don't scratch it when it itches you will accidentally rub it on your pant leg.
And if you accidentally rub it on your pant leg it will become itchy at an inopportune time.
And if it becomes itchy at an inopportune time you will need to scratch it while you are busy.
And if you need to scratch it while you are busy you might try to rub it with your other shin.
And if you try to rub it on your other shin you might lose your balance.
And if you lose your balance you might step back and schmuck the side of your ankle on the bottom of hardwood stairwell.
And if you step back and schmuck the side of your ankle on the bottom if a hardwood stair it will hurt a lot.
This I know from experience.
Ow.