Denial: Day Two On this Strange Planet....

Today a little girl at my daycare gave me a card that has The Serenity Prayer writen on the inside of it. It goes thusly....

....and do you know what the first thing I said after reading this was?

" Oh L**! What a beautiful card! Is that your handprint on the front? You're an awesome artist!"

Don't get me wrong but shouldn't I have said something along the lines of,

"Thank you so much L**. I now know what you went through in December. Thank you for your condolences." (Her dad having committed suicide in December of last year.)

It's like I can read and understand the words that are written but anytime I try to apply them to my situation my mind shuts down and I'm reading Klingon.

I've read online that it is a defence mechanism. So that our bodies are not so overcome with shock that they shut down. It's like everything is fact with no personal attachment. Anytime you think of a memory or are reminded of the person and start to feel sad or guilty or like you might break into tears a zombie version of you takes over and it's like it happened to your sister's friend's cousin's brother's former roommate.

This scares me.

I don't want to feel like this, not even for a day(although it's already going on two). I want to remember her. I want to feel. I want to grieve. I want to understand.

But I can't.

Not now.

Eventually in time I know I will.

Just one more thing.

I haven't cried in 48 hours.

And that scares me even more....