Still....

Still in denial.
Still missing you.
Still here.
And still you're not.

Still hoping it's a dream.
Still can't grasp it.
Still want you back.
But still not comprehending.

I.
Am.
Still.
Numb....

Denial: Day Two On this Strange Planet....

Today a little girl at my daycare gave me a card that has The Serenity Prayer writen on the inside of it. It goes thusly....

....and do you know what the first thing I said after reading this was?

" Oh L**! What a beautiful card! Is that your handprint on the front? You're an awesome artist!"

Don't get me wrong but shouldn't I have said something along the lines of,

"Thank you so much L**. I now know what you went through in December. Thank you for your condolences." (Her dad having committed suicide in December of last year.)

It's like I can read and understand the words that are written but anytime I try to apply them to my situation my mind shuts down and I'm reading Klingon.

I've read online that it is a defence mechanism. So that our bodies are not so overcome with shock that they shut down. It's like everything is fact with no personal attachment. Anytime you think of a memory or are reminded of the person and start to feel sad or guilty or like you might break into tears a zombie version of you takes over and it's like it happened to your sister's friend's cousin's brother's former roommate.

This scares me.

I don't want to feel like this, not even for a day(although it's already going on two). I want to remember her. I want to feel. I want to grieve. I want to understand.

But I can't.

Not now.

Eventually in time I know I will.

Just one more thing.

I haven't cried in 48 hours.

And that scares me even more....

Step 1: Denial.

MY.
BEST.
FRIEND.
IS.
DEAD.

Nope doesn't compute.
I can physically say or type the words but when I'm trying to understand what they mean it's like my mind is trying to understand mandarin.
I keep thinking I can call her up and say, "Hey! Did you hear what so and so did?"
But I can't.
She is so and so.
I've been googling the five stages of grief for the last 48 hours and I feel like I'm jumping all around minute to minute, second to second depending on what memory pops into my head.
Denial one minute, anger the next, depression the next and when I've finally thought I've hit acceptance I get so enraged again that I'm back at anger.
No matter how I feel though I feel like I am stuck in denial.
Denial that I'll never speak to her again.
Denial that her mother came to my house on a Monday night to tell me such a horrifying tale.
Denial about her being gone.
I deny it all even if I don't want to.
I know that it is my own coping mechanism but please God for Aly's sake, just let me accept it. I know that's what she wanted me to do.
I have no doubt in my mind.
Denial.

The Mockingjay Method....

My name is Kylee.
I live in Canada.
I do daycare for a living.
I've had a best friend since Grade 9.
Her name is Aly.
On Friday she killed herself.
I was told this on Monday night.
I knew it was coming.
I feel guilty for not seeing her in February.
I am mad that she would do this to me in the way that she did.
I'm happy that I have friends that knew her the way that I did.
I like the support we give to each other.
I'm thankful for the memories that keep popping into my head.
I long for the ones I'm having trouble remembering.
I hate that I have to go through this.
I hate that her mother has to bury her only child more.
I am envious at the people who didn't know her.
I mourn for the ones who did.
I love that the last thing I said to her was "cookies".
I loathe that it was on Facebook and not in person.
I want the chance to say goodbye to her.
I will never get that chance.
I'm proud of the fact I got through this without crying.
I worry I am becoming numb.

Goodbye My Bubba....

I love you. I will never forget you. Thank you for being my friend. I will miss you.

I love you. :'(

Pox, Infection and Disease....

This week was not a great week in the world of epidemic and daycare. In no less than five days I have been exposed to Strep Throat, Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, unexplained fever and (worst of all) Chicken Pox.NEVER in my whole daycare experience have I been so berated by illness!
The weather is getting nicer! Why is illness so rampart right now? 40 degrees(Celsius)!

How are those little buggers still alive??????

Now the unexplained fever can be explained by teeth popping through or a cold drink of water but Chicken Pox?! Wasn't that eradicated sometime in the '90s, I believe it was sometime in 1993 right after I had it at the tender age of three....

I've had Hand Foot and Mouth (at the same time as Head Lice when I was twelve, it was horrid) but thanks to Remicade that is back on the table since my immunities have been cast out into great wide nothingness.

And, well, I catch Strep like it's going out of style so I pretty much don't have a hope in hell on that one. Thankfully they caught it on the weekend and he was out sick until Wednesday and had three days of antibiotics in him before returning. I'm praying that that is enough....

Anywho.... I always say "anyway" so I thought I'd mix it up today.



Happy Friday!

How me and the healthy kids rock a 35+ degree weather day!

I Recant Last Night's Post....

If you have a mosquito bite on the back if your heel you SHOULD scratch it because....
If you don't scratch it when it itches you will accidentally rub it on your pant leg.
And if you accidentally rub it on your pant leg it will become itchy at an inopportune time.
And if it becomes itchy at an inopportune time you will need to scratch it while you are busy.
And if you need to scratch it while you are busy you might try to rub it with your other shin.
And if you try to rub it on your other shin you might lose your balance.
And if you lose your balance you might step back and schmuck the side of your ankle on the bottom of hardwood stairwell.
And if you step back and schmuck the side of your ankle on the bottom if a hardwood stair it will hurt a lot.
This I know from experience.
Ow.

Best Mosquito Bite Remedy EVER!!!!

I have found the BEST. MOSQUITO. BITE. REMEDY. EVER!!!! Scroll down to view....















Nothing!!!!
Just don't scratch it!
If you can get IVs of crap every 8 weeks.
If you can live with the pain of CD everyday.
You can not scratch that dang mosquito bite.
Mind over matter.
That mosquito just took a drop of your blood.
Without even asking.
Don't give it the satisfaction.
Of itching for two days.
(Or longer).
Just.
Don't.
Scratch....


....and if that doesn't work the old baking soda/ice cold water paste remedy will work wonders as well.
;)
Happy Monday!

Food Update #484....

Marshmallows are out.
Rough night last night.
Didn't sleep at all.
Despite 50mg. of Benadryl.
That is all....

Huffing, Puffing, Pokes, Prods and A Hard Decision....

I got allergy testing today. And I am itchy. Here's how it all went down....

I went to the office and the nurse asked me a BAZILLION questions. Seriously it felt like it would never end. Everything I'm allergic to, how I react and to what extent, how long the reactions last and what I do for the reaction. Along with other conditions, meds., surgeries. Basically she's my new BFF. She charted it all and then I saw the doc.

Dr. F is awesome! He ran through everything in a little more detail than the nurse along with more stuff I don't even remember (I think I was in the office for a total of two hours). He told me he was going to do two tests; a skin test to tell exactly WHAT and HOW allergic I am to certain things and a breathing test to check my Asthma to see if I even qualify for allergy shots--

WAIT!

HOLD UP!

WHAT?

ALLERGY SHOTS!?!?

But I remain calm and do the breathing test first. It involves breathing in super fast then breathing out for 6 seconds as hard a you can and finally taking another big breath in. I did it three times and became very light headed. And I only did it three times because apparently I did learn circular breathing while playing the trombone and I kept messing up the graph on the machine. I took some Ventolin and did it again and he said all was good.

Next was the skin test. The nurse rubbed my forearms down with alcohol then put four rows of 12 little marks with a pen down the sides. She then put little drops of allergens all down next to the pen lines according to her chart. Then she scored them all with a little razor type thing. Don't worry. On a scale of nothing to 4 failed IVs in one day it's MUCH closer to nothing. I waited 15 minutes and some bumps appeared. In all about half of them reacted and about 3/4 of them were pretty big (5-12mm).

I forgot to take a picture at the office but this is what my arms looked like an hour and a Benedryl later when I got home.

These blotches mean I'm highly allergic to cats/dog/rats and other animals, tree (especially Birch) pollen and grasses. And I'm moderately allergic to Ragweed and Mould.

I am a perfect candidate for allergy shots (but keep reading for the dilemma part of this post).

That means I will to on the top of the medication pyramid for TWO different medications for TWO different conditions.

I wouldn't stand next to me in a rain storm....

The only thing about these "Allergy Shots" is that it could make my Crohn's Disease worse. Dr. F said it like this.

Most normal people are here.

Because I have Crohn's I am here.

But I also have allergies so therefore I am here and here simultaneously.

In order to try and get my allergy symptoms back to "normal" allergy shots push you towards
the "normal" line.

But because I have Crohn's and I'm on Remicade all the pushing
on the allergy side will cause some pushing on the Crohn's side
it could make it worse.

So obviously I have some things to mull over. And the worst part is that he said it's only a new link that they are finding between immunotherapy and autoimmune diseases so there's not even any information on it online! You know how I like to research the crap out of things before they enter my body! Maybe I'll go and have a nice long chat with Dr. P.........

Let The Antihistamine Detox Commence....

No literally! Hello my name is Kylee and I'm addicted to antihistamines. I've taken at least 1 Claritin, Aerius, Allegra, Reactin, and most recently Zyrtec every day since I turned 12. That's 10 years. And I can count on my hands the times I've missed taking it. And never two days in a row. Spring, summer, winter or fall I diligently take a pill every morning. Why all the time you ask? Well....

Besides the unfortunate affliction of Crohn's Disease and my daily fights with Little Crohnsie Bit I have COPIUS amounts of allergies. I'm talking to just about everything. Let me list SOME of them shall I....
-environmental (pollen, grass, dust, ect. like a lot of people, no big deal).
-cats (again no big deal).
-all kinds of fabric softener except 1 certain hypoallergenic brand.
-every antibiotic they give my except Azithromycin (no more than 250mg a day) and Flagyl (which you can only get when admitted into the hospital because it costs so much).
-rats(a weird one I thought I'd throw in).
-all fruit (with the exception of watermelon and blueberries at certain times of the year if I take Benadryl 20 minutes before I eat it).
-some raw vegetables.
Some or a combination of these things can make me break out in hives, wheeze, make me lightheaded, make my heart beat fast, make my throat/tongue tingle/swell, make my eyes swell shut or itch to the point I that I break the skin and make myself bleed while some just make me sneeze, cough or eyes itchy. Especially at this time of year. And it happens anywhere, anytime. The antihistamines above just keep some of the milder symptoms at bay but if I encounter something that my body does not like sometimes 50mg of Benadryl is the only thing that gives me any relief and sometimes that doesn't seem to work as well as it used to.

So why the detox you ask? Well after two years of waiting I finally have an allergist appointment I can keep (I had three different appointments while I was on Prednisone, none of which I could keep) on Monday and for the testing you can't have any antihistamines in your system for at least 48 hours beforehand. That means Friday morning (39 hours ago) was my last one and I am in full detox mode. I mean detox. You'd think I'm coming down off of meth or something. I'm getting the sweats/hot and cold flashes, itchy all over, my leg is rubbed raw in no less than three areas, I feel like there are bugs crawling all over me, I'm nauseous and my eyes are so itchy I could claw them out on a whim.

Oh well, only 38 more hours to go. I'm over half way there right?!?!