100 Posts/Things I Love and/or Hate....

I hate Crohn's Disease.
I love Crohn's Disease.
I hate the way it makes me feel.
I love that I finally have a diagnosis.
I love that I can put a name to my pain.
I hate pain.
I hate the bathroom.
I hate diarrhea.


I love Prednisone.
I hate side effects.
I love how it takes away the pain.
I hate that it is not a permanent fix.


I hate Imuran.
I hate it's side effects.
I hate it's lasting effects.
I hate that it didn't work.



I love Remicade.
I hate Remicade.
I love that it works for me.
I hate that it involves shots and IVs.
I hate the short term side effects.
I love that they are short lived.
I hate the drug companies for making it so darn expensive.
I love the government for letting me be pain free.


I hate the idea of surgery.
I hate that it will most likely come to this.
I hate Crohn's Disease.




I love my job!
I love my kidlets!
I love the fact that they can be so carefree.
I love that they can make me smile when I'm sick.
I love that they can make me laugh when I am sad.
I love that I can fix "boo boos".
I love that I am the master of "ouchies".
I love them all like I would love my own children.
I hate poopie diapers.
I love that poopie diapers don't fase me.
I love my job!




I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love that I recognise how lucky I am to have these people.


I hate that my best friend is gone.
I hate that I couldn't recognise the magnitude of her pain.
I hate that she didn't call me for help.
I hate that I didn't visit her in February.
I hate that I was too busy for her.
I hate that every time I hear the word "suicide" it drudges up memories and her.
I hate that I wasn't there for her.
I love you Aly.
I love that this has brought me closer to my old friends.
I love that I will never take anyone for granted again.



I love that this list is about to get very random....
I love Kraft Dinner.
I hate the Kraft Dinner doesn't like me.
I hate pointless Facebook requests
I hate that I will go back, delete and re-write something I've written if it's not right.
I love The Big Bang Theory
I love that I find a lot of Sheldon in myself.
I hate that I am so OCD.
I love reading other blogs about people going through the same things as I am.
I hate that so many are hurting even worse than me.
I love the amount of optimism in these peoples hearts.
I love Toddlers & Tiaras, Dance Moms and Disney Movies.
I love that I can admit that without even blinking an eye.
I hate that I didn't try harder in High School.
I love Josh Groban music.
I love my little green car.
I hate that I can't eat many fruits and veggies.
I love giving.
I hate people who look down on others, perhaps less fortunate than themselves.
I love knitting and crocheting.
I hate rap music.
I love vanilla Oreos.
I hate waking up early in the morning.



I love helping others.
I love that I strive for my best.
I hate that my best often doesn't feel like enough
I love that I can be silly.
I hate I don't have enough life experience.
I love that I have courage.
I hate that I'm easily scared.
I love that I am funny.
I hate that I am too shy to show it.
I love my creativity.
I hate that I can't hide my emotions.
I love that I can't hide my emotions.
I hate that I think I cry way too much.
I love that I can cry it out.
I love that the people in my life let me cry it out.
I hate that I'm afraid of stress.
I hate that I'm afraid to go back to school.
I hate that I'm afraid to commit.
I love that I am resilient.
I love that I am strong.
I love that I have morals.
I love the person I have grown to be.


I love that I have a blog to vent.
I love when others comment.
I love that I made it through this list.
I love my life!

1 Year....

It's been one year since you left us Papa.
I miss your stories.
I know Nanny misses you.
I'm strong for her.
but I miss you too.
I want more time with you.
I wish I could get just one more of your awesome hugs.


I love you.
XOXO

Daycare Problems....

#37: You take off your shirt and a Goldfish cracker falls out and you know who probably put it there....
:)

Well My Emotions Are In Tact....

I still feel guilty but there's nothing I can do about it so I choose to let it go for the moment.


My body, however, is not so forgiving.
My intestines are alright it's my ankles, knees, pelvis, ribs, elbows, finger joints, back, neck and head that are throbbing.
I think the physical manifestations of the last three or so weeks of emotional bombardment are becoming apparent. Oh well, what can you do.
Just keep swimming!
;)

Guilt....

It was only a week ago that I said goodbye to you. Today I miss you. And I feel guilt.

I feel guilty for not thinking about you every minute of everyday.
I feel guilty that I didn't see you in February.
I feel guilty that somehow in my mind this helped in your downfall.
I feel guilty that I can't remember the last time I spoke to you face to face.
I feel guilty that my mother has her two beautiful daughters and your mom will never get to talk to hers in this world again.
I feel guilty for being here without you.
I feel guilty for not seeing the warning signs.
I feel guilty for not seeing a particular Facebook post sooner.
I feel guilty that I have support and you were and are so alone.
I feel guilty that my childhood was so innocent.
I feel guilty about so many things.
Too many to list here.

I know you don't want me to feel like this. But the fact is I do.
Please help me to see that my life can go on.
Please help me let this go.
I love you.
But I still feel guilty.
And I'm not sure I'll ever stop.

Until We Meet Again....

....dear Entocort. Tonight I took the last one of you you very expensive but totally worth it for enhancing my mood and taming my Crohnsie Bit drug.

Until we meet again.
(but not too soon OK?) :)

Acceptance....

Aly is gone.
She is suffering no more.
Her hurt is all gone.
She is no longer in fear.
She is now without pain.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

I get it now.
I can be in peace.
I will never be peaceful.
But I now know you are.

How long will it be before the guilt melts away?
How much time will it be until your memory in my mind fades?
How long until you come back to us?
Never.
The answer to all above is never.

Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for making me laugh until I peed my pants.
Thank you for helping me through my first truly scary movie.
Thank you for being my only friend in French Class.
Thank you for teaching me that gummy frogs are not just for eating.
Thank you for teaching me that life doesn't have to be so serious.
Thank you for teaching me that two kids from different sides of the tracks can become so close.
Thank you for too many memories to write down.
Thank you for accepting me.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you, Aly.
I love you.

And always will....

Stage 3: Bargaining....

I don't want to do it.
I would give anything not to have to.
But the reality is,

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my best friend.

Tomorrow has been weighing on my mind all week. Through picking and laying new carpet in my living room to buying and setting up my new couch and chairs. It was all leading up to this. There's only so long you can keep your mind busy and off a topic until its tomorrow and you dig in your heels in avoidance of the inevitable.

How do you say goodbye? How do you even wrap your mind around something like that? And what to wear? I have tried on everything in my closet and nothing seems right. Aly was not a "black for funeral" kind of girl and I will not be at hers. I want to be respectful but a rebel at the same time. That is a very hard thing to accomplish. Stay tuned for that....

You may ask why I am blabbering on about fashion when I have bigger things to worry about but the fact is that these are the things going through my head and this is my forum to let them out.

I may also be procrastinating going to bed. I know my dreams will not be pleasant tonight.




Please God. Don't make me say goodbye.
Don't make me put on a brave face for all of her loved ones.
Don't make me stand there with my friends and tell stories about how funny, lovable and goofy Aly was.
Please God, I'll do anything.
Just bring her back to me....

Step 2: Anger and Guilt....

I've been trying to fight off this post for three days now on account of I don't think I have the right to post or even think these things.
But if I don't let them go I'll never move forward in the process. Here I go....

Who in the hell do you think you are Aly? Ending your own life when so many are suffering through far harder lives, in a lot more pain, even more physical pain than you. It's selfish. It's mean. It's abandoning me here. You were never like that, why did you have to be in death. You have tainted all of our good memories together with the stigma of suicide. I can't believe you would do this in the way you did. And to not call me for help it enrages me. I hate you for doing this to me. No note. No e-mail. No goodbye. And now you're gone. And I hate you for depriving me of my best friend....


I'm sorry for that. But now that it's out and I have a face full of tears I feel better. Maybe it's the solu-Cortef from the Remicade that I got today playing with my emotions that drove me here or maybe it was just time.

I feel better.
I feel worse.
And I feel guilt....

Worried I Am Forgetting....

I only thought about you a few times today Bubba. I know I have company. And I know I'm busy. But I'm scared.

I never want to forget....